worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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