you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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