My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i will never coherently bang her
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
