I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
