Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
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I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
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They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
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