I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
