I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
