porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
