Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
