I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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