addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
