I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
