so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
