it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
