sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
