Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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