i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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