...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
