My underwear smells like fireworks.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
This house was built for laser tag.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
