Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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