M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
