look no pants
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
