Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
