you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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