Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
