her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
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