I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
