Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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