I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
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Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
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my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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