fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
