Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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