What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
