how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
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Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
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What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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