Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
