I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
