I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
