I wish I could teleport
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
