Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
