I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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