Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Randomize