So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
