I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
