I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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