my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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