I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
