i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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