everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Blood and glitter go together right?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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