One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
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He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
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Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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