My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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