I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Randomize
