shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
