I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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