oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
